Back to school

Yep, we're still eating ice cream every day.  Look for us soon on Biggest Loser: Blended Family Edition



On my first day back to work after a year hiatus, I felt unfamiliar with many things that were once fast, routine, no brainers.  It seemed to take forever for me to set up my computer (the most important part of teaching), to make a mental list and gather supplies for my new area, and to kick start those neural pathways that were just a little overgrown.  I did manage to walk into my old classroom out of habit, only to recognize that it was no longer mine (even though a lot of my stuff is still in there) and I sure did manage to blow a kiss to the IT guy who helped me set up my computer.  It was more of a thank you gesture, but also because I haven't socialized with adults in a professional setting in over a year (and I really wasn't proficient in that area to begin with, even when I was many years in the game).  Add it to the list of awkward exchanges that are sure to happen with high frequency...

As I zoned out at my desk for a little while, I felt a bit off.  ("What would you say ya do here...?")

Even though I was hired three days before I started work, I really didn't need to mourn the end of summer like I normally would because I hadn't had to be at school since May 2012. 

Even though there were no teaching spots at my school, I was more than glad to come back as an aide this year just to be back home. 

And even though it is a MAJOR pay cut (like 1/3, maybe less, of what I was once making), we decided that it would be a good transition back to a working schedule. 

I'd spent the major part of June-August (lie...January-August) hoping a spot would open up for me to return, so why wasn't I overwhelmed with happiness?

Because I knew.
I knew I had a case of "It's better on the other side..." on afternoons where all I could do was just sit there and watch Alex scream at the top of his lungs for what seemed like forever until V came home from work.  On days when getting dressed was our biggest accomplishment.  On days when mothering was the last thing I wanted to do.  On days where I just needed a break.  On days where I forgot how much fun we were actually having and how lucky I was I got that time.  On days where I forgot how kick ass it was to be at the Perot Museum or the Dallas Zoo or the Dallas Aquarium at 10 AM on a random Wednesday. 
All these things I knew.

I knew to expect the added dimension of overwhelming mother guilt from being away from my little guy who I had previously spent almost an entire year with day in and day out.  I did not know just how overwhelming it would feel.  Ennis never cared when I went back to school...ever. 

The 'offness' I was feeling was also worry.  I was all kinds of worried about everything that was happening to/with Alex without my presence.  I am having to give up major control and I sometimes (often times) have problems with that.

Should I have taken off one more year?  I feel like I owe Alex at least six more good months of mothering to pay my debt for how terribly I handled things the first six months.
...Which brought me to the realization that I am projecting my difficulty with change on to Alex. 

Even though I veer from a schedule and dare to be spontaneous every now and again, I am happiest as a creature of routine.  Almost all of my most difficult, internal emotional struggles (dramatic, I know) happened during major life transitions...going away to college (no one was more homesick than this girl), moving back after college (homesick to loved it and didn't want to leave!), finding a career, starting a real-life adult job, acquiring a toddler, adjusting to a new role different from an old one, and now going back...again in a new role different than before.  It takes me a long time (apparently years...) to find a groove when major change happens.

Sure Alex is two, and like all two-year-olds struggles with rigidity and of course, he had the small task of starting his entire life as he knew it over again at nineteen months old, but I'd say he's done a pretty good job of bouncing back.  People all say "kids are resilient"  (like, everyone says that...) and it's true.  But there are certainly varying degrees of resilience and there was a real possibility that Alex would have major, major problems starting over (I definitely would have knowing my personality now!)
He's handled things like a champion.  He's so happy (most of the time) and pretty easy going, except when he's not.  He's two. 
He rolls with the punches better now than I do at 29*.  He likes school, and now I get to be on the receiving end of the excited running and screaming to greet me after I've been at work all day.
We play until dinner time and he's happy to have me around...finally...I think...

And the truth be told, I've really missed my work.  Being back this week has been refreshing and I'm ready to meet this year's crop of baby criminals.  Sure it's not a "normal school" but thankfully, I am not a normal person and the people I work with are far from normal, but they're my second family.  We're all just trying to save a few of your future tax dollars from going to prison (or Parkland) and if a few good stories for blogging arise, so be it. 

In time, I know things will work out to comfortable and there will always be pros and cons to working v. staying at home and challenges finding balance. 
I'll take a page from the Alex handbook on how to do things this time around. 



*I am not 29.