Tee Tee Oil (Tee Hee)

Alex calls it Tee Tee Oil because 1) He can't say "Tea Tree" and 2) Potty humor rules our home right now

I know that I used to get hung up on germs occasionally, but nothings has made me a full out germophobe more than working in a huge, public school environment. At my last school, the population was small enough where I could use a few disinfectant wipes every now and again to get a false sense of security about the germ sitch.
Now whenever I come home from work, I feel like I'm covered in a layer of MRSA. It doesn't help that sixth graders have no sense of personal space. I am surrounded by at least 4 of them at any time. They are always hugging me, and touching me, and talking to me so close, that sometimes I have to put my hand out and hold them back so they don't keep stepping forward while I'm stepping back.
They are filthy, disgusting creatures who still pick their nose, cough/sneeze in their hands, and put EVERYTHING in their mouths...paper, their lanyards, their IDs, pencils, pens, their fingers, their backpack straps, trash, etc.
I don't even want to know statistics on how many times a day they wash their hands. Alex would wash his hands zero times if I didn't make (and watch) him.

In addition to observing the lack of hygiene of hundreds of children, including my own, articles kept popping up in my social media feeds about "Mutant Super Lice". I started thinking and worrying about super lice before I went to sleep at night. I would think about what great hair we have in our household...both in quality and quantity. We can NOT bring lice into our house. Alex would look like the saddest child monk after we shaved his head and me? I can't even begin to think of what I would have to do to rid myself of super lice in my hair that now reaches my lower back. And I can't have short hair because it would make my round face look like a serving charger: huge. "Here comes the face! Here comes the face!" (Margaret Cho)

The Pilates studio I go to has gone essential oil crazy. I feared it would happen eventually. I can distance myself from the crazy essential oilers online because I have a choice whether to read their testimonials about how essential oils cured every single one of the ailments or not.
But once something comes to the studio, I know I will participate in some form at some point. It's just a matter of time.

I don't want to argue the validity of essential oils. I want to believe in them so badly, really I do. I want to believe that my allergies will disappear if I drink some coriander and frankincense concoction or I can rub it on my non-existent stretch marks and they'll go away, or rub it on my very existent cellulite and have that disappear. Obviously I don't know anything about the oils so when I start using them, I will probably die. Please write "Essential Oils" as cause of death in my obit just so I can troll people even in death. Honestly, there is a little thing called Science that is lacking in all this oil business and I have a problem ingesting things that have unproven effects. Plus, I'm too lazy to research and...I just hate essential oils. There I said it. They stress me out and as I write this tangent way too late at night after a 10 hour day at work, I realize I have a stronger opinion than I would like to admit. Do you know what science has proven? The placebo effect. Read about it. V has created the Essential Oils Effect in addition.

What I hate the most though, is I will jump on the essential oil bandwagon. I might be a 2%er about it, but I will shamefully diffuse them and think to myself, "Wow, my allergies are better!"
And do you know why?
Because I bought some.

Back to the super mutant lice, I read that Tea Tree oil was supposed to be a deterrent. My feelings about finally buying essential oils and the deep fear of getting super lice clashed. Fear of mutant blood sucking (do they suck blood?) bugs in my hair won out.
I put drops in Alex's shampoo and mine. My Pilates instructor told me to mix water, tea tree oil, and vodka in a spray bottle. I sprayed the hell out of all cloth things in my classroom and spay myself between classes. It's only a matter of time before I get fired for 1) spraying the children directly or 2) drinking the spray out of desperation for the vodka as a coping mechanism.

This could not have come soon enough. The week I took action to prevent lice, a girl asked me to go to the nurse. Kneeling down next to her desk, I filled out the pass. I asked, "What do I write as the reason?"
She replied, "My head itches."
Gut drop.
She left class and never returned. I went to the nurse the very next period because I had to know what I already knew. She had the lice. The nurse was really calm and did a great job staying disinterested as my level of panic increased exponentially in our 2 minute conversation. She assured me that I didn't need to do anything special, but just report any other student who complained.

After itching for the remainder of the day, I came home, immediately put my clothes into a bag in the garage and showered in tea tree oil. I know this is an overreaction. If lice enters this home, I will stand in the middle of Whole Foods denouncing and pouring out every single vial of oil I now own.

I am never wearing my hair down at school again.