Snapshot: lululemon

Sara gave me a gift card to lululemon an eternity ago for my birthday. I am notoriously bad about not spending gift cards. I still have stickers in my second grade pencil box that I've been saving for a special occasion...

I found the gift card (among many others) and decided to finally spend it. Maybe I procrastinated for 4 years using this specific card because I am intimidated by lululemon. I have only walked in a couple of times in the past only to quickly walk out because I felt I did not belong. I don't like in-store yoga. I don't like fancy, non-slip toe socks. I don't like browsing only to see employees effortlessly rock leggings at every turn. (#thatasstho) I don't like stainless steel water canisters.

Actually, that's all a lie. I secretly like all of those things, but I just never saw myself spending hundreds of dollars on True Religion work out clothes. I don't even deserve that kind of work out clothing because my inner thighs rub together when I walk.

I made up my mind to suck it up and spend the money, maybe on a nice sweatband or something. As I was looking at the wall of leggings, an employee came over and asked me if I needed any help. I said, "Yes. I see that you have your leggings sized by actual numbers 2, 4, 6, etc. instead of XS, S, M, L. That seems antagonistic for someone who wants to concentrate on the zen part of their fitness goals."

She fake laughed and took the opportunity to tell yet another customer that she was wearing size 2 because she recently lost a lot of weight. She tried to convince me that she was actually not as skinny as she looked, but that the leggings just sucked everything in. I stood there and just looked at her and then myself and told her that she was definitely skinnier than me, and asked what size roughly correlates to someone trying not to bring a lot of attention to their human form. She said, "They need to be tight. If you're having to pull them up constantly, it's time to go a size down. But a size 4 roughly correlates with a small."

Finally something helpful.

I quickly grabbed a pair and headed back to the dressing room where another employee (definitely size 2 or maybe a 0!) opened up the door to a space approximately the size of a festival Porta Potty. As I stretched the pants to begin to put them on, I realized they were not going to stretch that far and that I wish I knew the special lululemon yoga pose to help squeeze myself into the damn things in such a tight space.

After a lot of work and breaking a light sweat, I looked into the mirror 2 inches in front of me. These were not the magic mirrors of Anthropologie that make you look taller and leaner in a halo of soft light. No. These mirrors were assholes. They were all like 'Hey, here's your fat ass squeezed into some tiny pants. Congratulations, you look terrible.'

I did end up buying some pants on sale (is there another way to buy anything there?). Everyone. (All 5 of them) at the register had a good laugh about the gift card not being made anymore because it was so old. "Where did this come from? I've never seen a gift card like this!" I told them it came from the distant past where, coincidentally, I left the body that was in shape enough to rock this place...

I got my recyclable bag and got the hell out.
I want you to remember all of this when you see me wear my lululemon pants and let's never speak of it again.
I am not their target customer.

Namaste.