An apology to our friends

Originally written 3/19/17

After mild panic attacks that we are starting too late to think about actually caring for a newborn, we decided to start on easy things like paint and bedding...you know, the really important things. Forget that we have not read one book or taken a class. The adoption agency made us read at least 12 books between us for Alex; No one is making us read anything or sign up for anything in preparation for this baby.
I stopped by Pottery Barn Kids today to pick up a quilt for baby boy. You can totally cover a newborn with a really warm quilt while he sleeps at night, right? I mean I know you can't with some cheap quilt, but a fine, overpriced quilt from Pottery Barn Kids? It's fine, right?

I was approached by a sales lady and she asked if she could help me. I told her that the baby's room is a Navy Blue theme. She looked at me, trying to assess my mental capacity. I explained...you know...like, there will be some cute baby things in it, but the accent wall is Navy Blue. I am looking for a quilt that is either Navy Blue or has Navy Blue in it. She showed me several styles and then asked, "When is the mother due? Do you know of anything else she is putting in the baby's room?"

Oh yeah.
I'm not pregnant so of course this is a gift for a pregnant woman that I know.

It was one of those gut punches that doesn't need to be a gut punch because it was harmless (and would actually, literally, be harmless in my not pregnant state). I had every choice to laugh and say, oh it's actually for me. But I was unexpectedly stung and the thought of having to explain a condensed version of what is happening or try and anticipate her questions before she could ask or to just shut up and stay quiet was too much today. I could not.

I left with my beautiful Navy Blue quilt feeling sad instead of excited. The truth still remains that I am disappointed that I am unable to carry my own child. I am more than thankful and grateful that we have this option to work with a GC and our GC is awesome. Families, especially mine, are made in all different ways and in the end I know it doesn't really matter.
But I'm still disappointed.

So...
To our dearest friends and family who we finally started to tell we were expecting with only 10ish weeks to go:

Your excitement and happiness for us has meant everything. You have allowed us to allow ourselves to feel excited as we celebrate together. It beats the hell out of what we were doing alone- worrying and worrying more for over 7 months.
Thank you for offering to shower us with attention and parties. Please do not be offended that we turned down your offers. It's not you, it's us. We are still grieving the process leading up to this. It would be me crying a lot and giving a choppy, incoherent speech about how important you all are to me and how much I love you. Then hopefully not, but probably...it would shift to how sorry I feel for myself. Then really hopefully not, but probably...it would shift to something about me being adopted. Geez. I go really wheels off, once off the reservation.
#DebbieDowner
There have been too many (and not enough) bumps along this road for comfort and we fear, irrationally, that if the Universe got word that everything might be fine, it would remember that it can't be..for us...for this.
So let's all be quietly excited together.
You'll get your shining friend moment when you, begrudgingly, decide to answer the phone the 10th time I call you in a day to ask you a panicked question I should already know the answer to or that is, again, nothing to worry about.

XOXO,
Me