Coco
I haven't written a post to my Dad on his birthday in awhile.
As if my subconscious was aware of this fact, I started reading Promise Me, Dad by Joe Biden. Why? I guess I need to cry even more than I already do about everything. Such a cry baby in my years around 29*.
As someone who lost a wife, a daughter and a son, Joe gives the same advice to all grieving people he meets.
To slain, New York, officer Wenjian Liu's mother he said:
"There will come a time when you'll go riding by a field that you both loved, or see a flower, or smell the fragrance of his suit when he took it off and hung it in the closet or you'll hear a song, or you'll look at the way someone walks, and it will all come back. But someday down the line, God knows when, you'll realize it doesn't make you want to cry. It makes you smile. The time will come when the memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes. That will happen, I assured her. And that is when you know that you'e turned a corner."
I honestly don't know if I'm at the smiling part. Maybe about some things, but then my thought track quickly turns and it is very hard to erase the images of his final year from my mind. I wonder if I'll ever forget the worst moments or if the happy memories will eventually overshadow the final ones. I mean, this is the 11th year...Will I ever not get a huge lump in my throat when the discussion turns to Dad?
There has been one thing that has, unexpectedly, helped me recently.
Have you seen Coco? If not, go. Now. And I realize that as someone who sees approximately five new movies per year, I'm not the best authority to make cinematic suggestions, but it really is one of my favorite Disney movies to date.
Not unexpectedly, I cried for the entire end of the movie.
The idea of my Dad surviving in the land of the dead, alive on my memories and the memories I've passed on to my son is one of my new favorite daydreams. And he's not alone...he's there with his loved ones that went before him. The idea that he gets to cross the Marigold bridge to visit us, in the land of the living, and watch me carry on parts of his legacy brings me such joy.
Because isn't that a parent's end game? To raise children who will carry on their teachings and values into their families? To know that despite all the mistakes and big questions, they raised a decent human being who positively contributes to society? And to enjoy the Grandchildren! And to just feel proud to know their child as an adult.
My Dad didn't get to experience any of that. He barely got to see me pull my head out of my ass that was 20. I love to think that he's gotten to watch me over the past decade mature and realize how right he was about most things and feel the satisfaction of seeing his parenting hard work pay off. But most of all, I want him to feel loved and appreciated. I am learning just how hard work parenting is.
If you have not seen Coco, you have no idea what I'm talking about...And even if you have, I realize it might be childish to derive comfort from the daydreams that stem from a story. I've been a big daydreamer all my life.
But anyone can understand the desire to keep your deceased, loved ones alive with your memories as they continue living with you in spirit.
I don't even realize what I am saying sometimes...especially while driving ...or blogging...or talking...
One day in the car, I was talking to Alex about sleeping over at other family members' houses. He really enjoys it and I was telling him how brave he was because when I was his age (until after college) I never wanted to sleep anywhere except my house.
He replied, "I don't mind because like you said, no matter what, you and Dad are always with me in here and here..." as he pointed to his head and his heart.
Did I really say that?!
Talk about being caught off guard with blinding tears.
Seriously, did I tell him that?
That Alex is pretty smart.
So in closing...
Dad,
While I wish you were actually here, you are forever alive in my head and my heart. I'm convinced you met Alex and Zayn before we did, and they are my favorite gifts I've ever received. Don't feel forgotten. I don't really know how to forget the details of the end of your life and sometimes that leads to trying not to think about anything related to you.
But I promise you're not forgotten and you are so loved.
You could never be forgotten.
Happy Birthday, old man!
As if my subconscious was aware of this fact, I started reading Promise Me, Dad by Joe Biden. Why? I guess I need to cry even more than I already do about everything. Such a cry baby in my years around 29*.
As someone who lost a wife, a daughter and a son, Joe gives the same advice to all grieving people he meets.
To slain, New York, officer Wenjian Liu's mother he said:
"There will come a time when you'll go riding by a field that you both loved, or see a flower, or smell the fragrance of his suit when he took it off and hung it in the closet or you'll hear a song, or you'll look at the way someone walks, and it will all come back. But someday down the line, God knows when, you'll realize it doesn't make you want to cry. It makes you smile. The time will come when the memory will bring a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eyes. That will happen, I assured her. And that is when you know that you'e turned a corner."
I honestly don't know if I'm at the smiling part. Maybe about some things, but then my thought track quickly turns and it is very hard to erase the images of his final year from my mind. I wonder if I'll ever forget the worst moments or if the happy memories will eventually overshadow the final ones. I mean, this is the 11th year...Will I ever not get a huge lump in my throat when the discussion turns to Dad?
There has been one thing that has, unexpectedly, helped me recently.
Have you seen Coco? If not, go. Now. And I realize that as someone who sees approximately five new movies per year, I'm not the best authority to make cinematic suggestions, but it really is one of my favorite Disney movies to date.
Not unexpectedly, I cried for the entire end of the movie.
The idea of my Dad surviving in the land of the dead, alive on my memories and the memories I've passed on to my son is one of my new favorite daydreams. And he's not alone...he's there with his loved ones that went before him. The idea that he gets to cross the Marigold bridge to visit us, in the land of the living, and watch me carry on parts of his legacy brings me such joy.
Because isn't that a parent's end game? To raise children who will carry on their teachings and values into their families? To know that despite all the mistakes and big questions, they raised a decent human being who positively contributes to society? And to enjoy the Grandchildren! And to just feel proud to know their child as an adult.
My Dad didn't get to experience any of that. He barely got to see me pull my head out of my ass that was 20. I love to think that he's gotten to watch me over the past decade mature and realize how right he was about most things and feel the satisfaction of seeing his parenting hard work pay off. But most of all, I want him to feel loved and appreciated. I am learning just how hard work parenting is.
If you have not seen Coco, you have no idea what I'm talking about...And even if you have, I realize it might be childish to derive comfort from the daydreams that stem from a story. I've been a big daydreamer all my life.
But anyone can understand the desire to keep your deceased, loved ones alive with your memories as they continue living with you in spirit.
I don't even realize what I am saying sometimes...especially while driving ...or blogging...or talking...
One day in the car, I was talking to Alex about sleeping over at other family members' houses. He really enjoys it and I was telling him how brave he was because when I was his age (until after college) I never wanted to sleep anywhere except my house.
He replied, "I don't mind because like you said, no matter what, you and Dad are always with me in here and here..." as he pointed to his head and his heart.
Did I really say that?!
Talk about being caught off guard with blinding tears.
Seriously, did I tell him that?
That Alex is pretty smart.
So in closing...
Dad,
While I wish you were actually here, you are forever alive in my head and my heart. I'm convinced you met Alex and Zayn before we did, and they are my favorite gifts I've ever received. Don't feel forgotten. I don't really know how to forget the details of the end of your life and sometimes that leads to trying not to think about anything related to you.
But I promise you're not forgotten and you are so loved.
You could never be forgotten.
Happy Birthday, old man!
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