Forever Day VI

i don't know anything about this picture, but alex still has that look every now and again...

This Forever Day is a tough one.

When we were going through the adoption process and found out we would not get to meet Alex until he was over 18 months old, we thought in terms of years. 'Less than 2 years is not that much time' we would tell each other. We didn't know. We were (I was) desperate for a child and we just didn't understand how time functioned with a child. We didn't care.

Now we have a baby who we have had since his birth. That baby is still 4 months shy of when we brought Alex home.

Now we know how much we missed. We missed so much.
I cannot imagine giving my baby away at this age to strangers, who would take him to the other side of the world. I know everything about him...what he likes, what he doesn't like, how to make him feel safe, how to make him laugh and I know that he loves me and he knows that I love him.

I'm reminded of our trip to Korea. How when it was time for his foster family to leave, they handed him over to us and we got in the elevator to go up to our room at the welfare center. As the doors closed, Alex was screaming, reaching out desperately for his foster mom and his last view of his foster family, who had raised him since infancy, was their crying faces. He would land in Texas and wait to see those faces again for months and months, not knowing that it would never happen in the capacity where he would remember them.
Everyone's lives in that exchange changed forever that day.

Alex,
When you read this blog someday, you will wonder many things. Why is my mom like this? might be high up on that list. Lots of eye rolling, lots of "seriously?" (I hope you always say that btw)
But know this.
We are learning more every day how incredibly special and amazing you are. We understand that Forever Day is beautifully tragic and that you came to us with a history and a life we will never know and even though you don't remember, that life shaped you into who you are.
You are stronger than you'll ever think and loved even more than I hope you feel.
When you're ready to ask questions and find answers, let me know. I'll be there through it all.

We are the luckiest parents in the world and love, love, love, love you. Forever.