How to get out of a ticket

Last week after I picked Alex up, I got pulled over by Dallas police.
I can honestly say I didn't know why and thought maybe passing a bus was illegal. It wasn't a school bus...just a hospital shuttle and it hadn't quite stopped yet, but it was going to and I hurriedly passed it so I didn't have to look for "pedestrians." (yes, "I know")

I've come up with a few easy steps that might get you out of a ticket:

1. When the policeman has his lights on to pull you over, pick the right spot. Obviously, you can't stop on the side of a busy street with no shoulder, so just drive up to the light. Instead of going straight at the light, after waiting forever for it to turn green, to a building and its parking lot, turn left and drive down the street half a mile before deciding that the building and parking lot you've chosen to be pulled over in is identical to the one half a mile back but definitely better.

2. Make sure Pandora station "Toddler Radio" is playing a little too loudly when you conveniently have your window down and ready to greet the police officer.
When the police officer gets to the window, let him say hello and then say, "Oh sorry, let me turn this down a little" and smile apologetically but make a face like the music has driven you mad. It won't be hard to do, and don't turn it down that much. Make sure the police person understands what listening to Toddler Radio can do do a person in the short amount of time you will spend together.

3. Be so very polite and listen to your alleged offense before speaking. Sincerely admit that you never saw a stop sign and apologize for probably missing it because you were preoccupied trying to pass a slowing bus. That was wrong. Acknowledge and take responsibility.

4. When he asks to see your license and registration, ask him if you may get out of your car because your wallet is in the trunk in your school bag...emphasis on school bag. If you were to just open your car door, the police officer might feel threatened and you might get tasered, so always explain yourself before having to retrieve things from your trunk.
While in your trunk, take your school bag out and "accidentally" drop your school ID badge and a book about how to be a better parent. Give him another apologetic look trying to convey the message, "Hey, we're both government employees trying to be better parents and public servants!"

5. Hand the officer your license and get back in your car. Reach over and open your glove box that sticks occasionally to get your insurance.
All the while, answer all of your 4-year-old's many questions about what is happening and why while the police officer is waiting. Make a mental note to thank your child for finally sitting correctly in his new booster seat with his seat belt on as he has had trouble demonstrating control of his new freedom from the tighter constrictions of his car seat.
Make a second mental note to thank your husband for taking your car to get it inspected literally 3 days before this incident. It was 3 months overdue and they started a new system of rolling the inspection into the registration. He took care of all of it and explained why there was no inspection sticker. When the police person asks if you just recently bought your car, you will be able to laugh and say, "sir, this is a 2003." Then you will be able to re-tell the story of why there is no inspection sticker AND show him the receipt record of the inspection that is folded up with your insurance card.
Husband high-five!

6. As the police officer returns to his vehicle to fill out your fate, tidy up your car. Fold all the clothes in your car and put all the trash in one of the many plastic bags on your floor boards. Filling up the passenger seat with stuff to put up at home will remind you to thank the police officer for finally giving you the time to clean up your filthy car. Use one of your jackets to dust off your control panel and radio panel. Continue to answer questions calmly to your 4-year-old who really wants water and a snack. You must remember that you want your children to trust police and not be afraid to ask them for help. Do NOT tell your child that you hope the police officer doesn't haul you off to jail because they can't be patient. This will strike fear into their hearts and damage them forever (mom).


7. This particular policeman might have had police buddies that pulled into the parking lot to check on their friend. You will watch them laugh and talk in your rear view mirror and you will wonder whether you should feel embarrassed or not. Try to not get embarrassed by thinking about all the things you had planned on doing before having to fix dinner and how, now, those things will get pushed back yet another day.
At least your car is clean.
Chastise yourself and tell yourself that you really do deserve this ticket because it's karma for all the mornings you've driven 85 down George Bush to make it to work on time.
Think about taking back your new jeans to pay for the ticket you are about to deservingly receive. Then praise yourself for being the kind of person who keeps the tags on things and the receipts just in case you want to return them. (which is almost always)


When the policeman comes back 30 minutes later (maybe less), he will begin to hand you your ticket, BUT he will say it's a warning. He will tell you that if you are pulled over again within the next year it could result in an actual ticket.
He will ask you if there is anything else he can explain and he will smile.
You might want to hug him hard, but then you remember he is not your gay, drybar stylist, and you don't want to be tasered! Also, you remember that he has stolen almost an hour of your precious evening time...even if it was your fault.


8. Awkwardly wave goodbye as you try to navigate out of the parking lot without breaking anymore traffic laws.
Do not blow kisses.


I can't say that following these steps will always get you out of a ticket, but in my experience 60% of the time, it works every time.
("That doesn't make sense," said Ron Burgundy?)