August 10, 2015
Originally written August 10,2015
As of today:
Breakfast: Strawberry-mango smoothie
Favorite song currently on my work out playlist: Chumbawamba's Tubthumping
lbs off my goal weight: 10, like always (I wrote "blissfully unaware" when I had to fill in the weight section on this morning's paperwork)
Favorite color: still blue
Anxiety about the first day of school on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst): 9.5
# of shots of progesterone in the butt this month: 6 (it's only been a week)
Implantation tries: #2 today
# Embryos used: #3 today
You know those people you hear of who get hooked on drugs and spiral out of control? I think I know how it happens. When I went back this past June to the doctor to try again another implantation, I was given the unfortunate news that I would have to have surgery AGAIN! This would be my 4th time in the past year and a half to go under. I was thinking...no surprise. Of course this is happening. Then I thought, hmmm, I kind of like that sedation shot you get before you actually fall asleep.
Then I realized that every time I go into the office, I am thinking about that shot. The first surgery I was so scared that I wouldn't wake up. The next one I was less nervous and so on and so forth. Upon hearing I would need a 4th, I thought, "well at least I get whatever that drug is".
That's a problem...
You have this IV hooked up to you, and the nurse is like, "let me give you something to relax you as we roll you down the hall." Then it hits immediately...this feeling of absolute relaxation...like that perfect feeling you get as soon as you realize you're going to fall asleep...only multiplied by 100. It's what I imagine euphoria (in a drug sense) to feel like.
Anyway. *snaps out of it* In the room where they do the implantation, V and I were pretty detached this time. They try to make it this special experience like, "watch the monitor! Can you see your embryo going through the tube? Now look at this screen and you can see this other tube traveling into your uterus..." I guess they figure since you don't get to make children the miraculous way, they try to romanticize this robotic sci-fi adventure as they implant an embryo that has been sitting in a freezer for 6 months. There is nothing romantic about it, so I decided to distract us all and tell my doctor and all nurses present about how much I thought about that sedation shot.
I needed them to stop pretending like everything was awesome, especially knowing that this was not our first time and that the last time ended poorly.
Everyone got really quiet. I just kept going on and on...
When we got back to the room, V promised me they wrote in my chart and that I would never get prescribed painkillers again.
Good. I need some accountability.
As of today:
Breakfast: Strawberry-mango smoothie
Favorite song currently on my work out playlist: Chumbawamba's Tubthumping
lbs off my goal weight: 10, like always (I wrote "blissfully unaware" when I had to fill in the weight section on this morning's paperwork)
Favorite color: still blue
Anxiety about the first day of school on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst): 9.5
# of shots of progesterone in the butt this month: 6 (it's only been a week)
Implantation tries: #2 today
# Embryos used: #3 today
You know those people you hear of who get hooked on drugs and spiral out of control? I think I know how it happens. When I went back this past June to the doctor to try again another implantation, I was given the unfortunate news that I would have to have surgery AGAIN! This would be my 4th time in the past year and a half to go under. I was thinking...no surprise. Of course this is happening. Then I thought, hmmm, I kind of like that sedation shot you get before you actually fall asleep.
Then I realized that every time I go into the office, I am thinking about that shot. The first surgery I was so scared that I wouldn't wake up. The next one I was less nervous and so on and so forth. Upon hearing I would need a 4th, I thought, "well at least I get whatever that drug is".
That's a problem...
You have this IV hooked up to you, and the nurse is like, "let me give you something to relax you as we roll you down the hall." Then it hits immediately...this feeling of absolute relaxation...like that perfect feeling you get as soon as you realize you're going to fall asleep...only multiplied by 100. It's what I imagine euphoria (in a drug sense) to feel like.
Anyway. *snaps out of it* In the room where they do the implantation, V and I were pretty detached this time. They try to make it this special experience like, "watch the monitor! Can you see your embryo going through the tube? Now look at this screen and you can see this other tube traveling into your uterus..." I guess they figure since you don't get to make children the miraculous way, they try to romanticize this robotic sci-fi adventure as they implant an embryo that has been sitting in a freezer for 6 months. There is nothing romantic about it, so I decided to distract us all and tell my doctor and all nurses present about how much I thought about that sedation shot.
I needed them to stop pretending like everything was awesome, especially knowing that this was not our first time and that the last time ended poorly.
Everyone got really quiet. I just kept going on and on...
When we got back to the room, V promised me they wrote in my chart and that I would never get prescribed painkillers again.
Good. I need some accountability.
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