Autism/Asperger Syndrome awareness month

April is Autism/Aspergers Syndrome awareness month.
May is Mental Health month.

I'll address both of them now.

In the summer of 2006 I went to visit my parents in Midland. My Dad was quickly deteriorating from his spring diagnoses of stage IV brain cancer. I arrived home and was shocked at how physically affected he had been in the short time since I'd seem him last.
My sister, who has struggled with Aspergers and other mental health issues since childhood, was on a tear about going to the mall. Everyone was busy and she was insistent that someone drive her to the mall for the afternoon. There was no reasoning with her, no asking her to wait. She wanted to go right then and there and could not understand why no one would take her. After everyone telling her, repeatedly, to STFU and to figure it out, I watched my frail, sick Dad start to cry and beg her to please stop.
She did not.
It was too much.
I lost it and punched her in the face. As hard as I could. Thankfully, I missed what I was aiming for. I caught her in the lower left jaw because, well, I'm no Amanda Nunes (the Brazilian that KOed Ronda Rousey) and my arms are shorter than I thought. After just one second (maybe 5) of disappointment that I didn't get a more satisfying hit, I was horrified at what I had just done because it feels terrible to lose control like that. I'm usually not a monster.
My sister stopped talking long enough to say, "Owww! Why did you do that?!"
Then, not even a minute passed, she began to ask about the mall again.


I walked away fuming, crying and feeling guilty because I know my Dad (and Jesus) was disappointed in my choice of how to handle things.

That is the defining moment where I should have (and later) realized what mental illness really is. In her case- unable to empathize with another human being. The inability to empathize is a defining characteristic of Asperger's Syndrome. While I had lived with it before, I had been away at college and living on my own for awhile and forgot how bad it really was. She was older. It was easier to dismiss it as bratty child behavior when I lived at home, but now she was 17.

Mental illness affects everyone involved with the mentally ill. She is my sister, but our sister relationship is nothing like you would imagine a sisterly bond to be. She uses people as a means to an end, not understanding why and not being capable of being different. We spend our entire lives cycling between peaceful existence, rage and fury, moments where she thinks we're laughing together but I'm actually laughing at her, and, ironically, defending her when I can tell someone can't stand to interact with her. I get it. The patience required to be in her presence is exponentially more than a tantruming toddler, but after you've put in at least a decade with her, then you can join the group.

It's a paradoxical sibling relationship. It's changing all the time and I know that I am, ultimately, responsible for doing the right thing.

While mental illness is hilarious at times (not really, but laughing helps it not be soul-crushing), it causes real devastation to the families of the mentally ill. I saw Silver Linings Playbook when it came out and remember sitting in the theater thinking that mental illness was definitely not hot like Bradly Cooper and JLaw. If we saw normal people acting that way, it would not be cute or funny. It was hard for me to laugh or find it enjoyable because I knew the ugly reality and my sister was no Bradly Cooper.

I'll always grieve the sisters we could have been. What is it like to find out something exciting and want to call your sister first? What is it like to ask your sister for advice? What is it like to have your sister know you well enough (or barely know you enough) to not ask you if you like horror movies for the billionth time? What's it like to switch places with your sister at summer camp and go home to meet your other parent who has been absent in your life up to that point?
At least she's present.
The truth is, I am hoping my sister is able to learn the skills necessary to lead the fullest life possible.

What's hard for me is only inconvenience; What's hard for her cannot even be imagined.