Dead end
Originally Written 12/30/14
Sometime between getting out of school for the break and going to my 11 week appointment yesterday, my pregnancy ceased to exist.
It's right in the time frame when things like that happen. Many people I know have had miscarriages. Many people have struggled worse than us to bring life into this world. I know it's [probably] nothing I did, and it's hard to explain how it affected (is affecting) me. My hope is not completely gone.
Of course I am disappointed. I spoke earlier (maybe...who knows what order these will be posted) of having this wish to be pregnant. That's what it has seemed like, anyway...after trying for a year, pregnancy became this elusive wish that might or might not be granted. By year 5, it really, really seems unattainable...like a Ranger World Series win.
And all that work we did...with the surgeries and the medicine and the injections...(bring on diabetes, I'm ready) and how it didn't pan out. That's disappointing, too.
And I know everything happens for a reason and we've seen the results of that time and time again.
But I can't shake this wish...
And let's be honest. Alex is going to be better than any child V and I could make, and if things really really don't work out, ever, Alex is enough. He already is enough...he is everything and he is ours. When I thought about it last night, Alex is the reason we are forced to stay in the light. It made me so thankful that we are not doing this childless...when it would be easy to recede into the dark and stay there. No three-year-old stops living because they're sad. And he is sad. We told him and he was really excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister (well, as excited as he could be without knowing all that it entailed). When I told him there was no longer a brother or sister, he said, "I'm sad." (Later he said, "You can pick me up and carry me around again because there's no baby in your tummy...") What would he think if he saw us cease to find happiness and light because we're sad about something? Running errands with him today and playing showed me we're going to be okay, eventually. It started out forced...pretending to be into what he was doing or saying, but do something long enough and you believe it again. It transports you away to a healing place. It's a place I'll fall in and out of many times.
But I still can't shake this wish...
It all comes down to wishing to see myself in another. Being adopted and growing up in a white family and marrying into an Indian family leaves me nothing to physically identify with. Sure, Alex is Korean too, but only people who think all Asian people look the same see genetics. And those families are enough because there is no "right look" to a family and that's why it's a wish. I wish to spend time on this Earth with just one person I am genetically tied to. (Dramatic) My birth mother gave me up because she was too young to take care of me. Obviously, she had no trouble reproducing; It seems ironic or unfair that I do...she got to stay with our family...and possibly make a new one.
He looks just like his father.
She has her mother's eyes.
He has his father's laugh.
She has her mother's stubbornness.
It seems silly to be upset that I've never been able to identify with anyone about these things. I convinced myself my entire teenage life that it was no big deal.
And I know it's crazy, because I have always believed nurture weighs heavier than nature, but is that because I have never seen my nature? (No, I actually still believe that...) BUT again, it is my wish to see just a little nature. These thoughts didn't start until I got older. There is a small chance I've buried many feelings in my childhood about growing up "different". I think this is the biggest reason I feel upset and disappointed. I was going to see part of me in another human being, and now it's gone.
And because reproduction is one of the few things I cannot control in my life (and trust me when I say, no one controls all the things more than me), that's just what this becomes...a wish.
We'll be okay because we have to be. Bad things happen every day to good people. The world doesn't stop for anyone. <insert your favorite cliche here>
Today is already much better than yesterday and I will be sad, but I'm more sad that others are sad. They were so excited for us (even though I jumped the gun and told a little early because I was so excited) and the heartfelt words of condolence have been so healing. So many can relate, personally. I most definitely do not get teary eyed unless someone takes me under their wing with their kindest words. You people are great.
We'll keep trudging on because that's what we do. I know that we're strong. <insert your next favorite cliche here>
I have already begun to make peace with this unfortunate event. (mostly)
I never want us to be obsessed with this. I can't look back and say, what happened when Alex was 4? When he was 5? Oh, I have no idea. That was the time we were broken and we spent every day sad and obsessed with having another child.
That would be a choice and it's not one I'm willing to make.
Sometime between getting out of school for the break and going to my 11 week appointment yesterday, my pregnancy ceased to exist.
It's right in the time frame when things like that happen. Many people I know have had miscarriages. Many people have struggled worse than us to bring life into this world. I know it's [probably] nothing I did, and it's hard to explain how it affected (is affecting) me. My hope is not completely gone.
Of course I am disappointed. I spoke earlier (maybe...who knows what order these will be posted) of having this wish to be pregnant. That's what it has seemed like, anyway...after trying for a year, pregnancy became this elusive wish that might or might not be granted. By year 5, it really, really seems unattainable...like a Ranger World Series win.
And all that work we did...with the surgeries and the medicine and the injections...(bring on diabetes, I'm ready) and how it didn't pan out. That's disappointing, too.
And I know everything happens for a reason and we've seen the results of that time and time again.
But I can't shake this wish...
And let's be honest. Alex is going to be better than any child V and I could make, and if things really really don't work out, ever, Alex is enough. He already is enough...he is everything and he is ours. When I thought about it last night, Alex is the reason we are forced to stay in the light. It made me so thankful that we are not doing this childless...when it would be easy to recede into the dark and stay there. No three-year-old stops living because they're sad. And he is sad. We told him and he was really excited about the prospect of a new brother or sister (well, as excited as he could be without knowing all that it entailed). When I told him there was no longer a brother or sister, he said, "I'm sad." (Later he said, "You can pick me up and carry me around again because there's no baby in your tummy...") What would he think if he saw us cease to find happiness and light because we're sad about something? Running errands with him today and playing showed me we're going to be okay, eventually. It started out forced...pretending to be into what he was doing or saying, but do something long enough and you believe it again. It transports you away to a healing place. It's a place I'll fall in and out of many times.
But I still can't shake this wish...
It all comes down to wishing to see myself in another. Being adopted and growing up in a white family and marrying into an Indian family leaves me nothing to physically identify with. Sure, Alex is Korean too, but only people who think all Asian people look the same see genetics. And those families are enough because there is no "right look" to a family and that's why it's a wish. I wish to spend time on this Earth with just one person I am genetically tied to. (Dramatic) My birth mother gave me up because she was too young to take care of me. Obviously, she had no trouble reproducing; It seems ironic or unfair that I do...she got to stay with our family...and possibly make a new one.
He looks just like his father.
She has her mother's eyes.
He has his father's laugh.
She has her mother's stubbornness.
It seems silly to be upset that I've never been able to identify with anyone about these things. I convinced myself my entire teenage life that it was no big deal.
And I know it's crazy, because I have always believed nurture weighs heavier than nature, but is that because I have never seen my nature? (No, I actually still believe that...) BUT again, it is my wish to see just a little nature. These thoughts didn't start until I got older. There is a small chance I've buried many feelings in my childhood about growing up "different". I think this is the biggest reason I feel upset and disappointed. I was going to see part of me in another human being, and now it's gone.
And because reproduction is one of the few things I cannot control in my life (and trust me when I say, no one controls all the things more than me), that's just what this becomes...a wish.
We'll be okay because we have to be. Bad things happen every day to good people. The world doesn't stop for anyone. <insert your favorite cliche here>
Today is already much better than yesterday and I will be sad, but I'm more sad that others are sad. They were so excited for us (even though I jumped the gun and told a little early because I was so excited) and the heartfelt words of condolence have been so healing. So many can relate, personally. I most definitely do not get teary eyed unless someone takes me under their wing with their kindest words. You people are great.
We'll keep trudging on because that's what we do. I know that we're strong. <insert your next favorite cliche here>
I have already begun to make peace with this unfortunate event. (mostly)
I never want us to be obsessed with this. I can't look back and say, what happened when Alex was 4? When he was 5? Oh, I have no idea. That was the time we were broken and we spent every day sad and obsessed with having another child.
That would be a choice and it's not one I'm willing to make.
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