There is definitely something wrong with me...
Originally written 1/15/15
Healing your heart is a funny thing. One moment, you're going about your every day life and then something happens, usually something that ties you to something deeply nostalgic, and then you find yourself welling up and with a boulder in your throat.
I took Alex to see Annie...the new one. 1982 Annie was my favorite movie mostly because it's one of the only movies I ever watched as a child. I couldn't handle movies until I was a teenager (like 25) because of all the strong emotions they elicited in me. So if you ask me if I've ever seen, _______________, the answer is probably No.
We bought the Annie soundtrack to supplement Jayonce's empire. One moment, we're singing along to Tomorrow, the next I have to stop, because I am having trouble seeing the road through my tears and feel like I'll cry.
I remember when my Dad's mom died. It was about a month after and I asked him if he was okay one day while he was doing dishes (yes, mom...that happened...Dad doing dishes...). She was the first death in my life and I wasn't even close to her.
He told me that he would grieve for awhile, but it would happen in these small moments. Like on a drive to the store, or working in the yard, or washing the car, etc.
I thought that seemed weird at the time, but he's right. I understand it perfectly now.
Since his death, that has happened. These small moments, tied to nostalgia, completely catch you off guard and you have to completely stop whatever you're doing to give yourself some time to think it through and compose yourself again. The moments begin to space out over time and the intensity in which they steal you from the present begins to decrease. To me, that is what grieving is.
And now with new death, it begins again.
I probably should not publish this on the public internet, but I tend to make fun of things that are deeply sad. Kind of a "Fu-k you, sadness...you can't win."
So if you are ashamed for me, just put yourself on the list...
But now, this list...
Some Reasons Why My Fetus Chose to Leave
1. I started to have too frequent, vain thoughts about my new breasts...that missed their cue to develop in puberty. Seriously, it became a distraction to me.
2. We implanted two embryos and one didn't implant from the start. The other tried to stick it out, but after hearing our daily "day in the lives of" banter, it thought, "Oh God, I can't believe you left me...I can't do this alone...Peace..."
3. I made fun of Ted (the socially impaired embryologist) too many times before implantation day...after all, Ted is the actual person who made our embryos...literally he made them. They pledge allegiance to him first.
4. V and I make fun of our infertility doctor...in a loving way! V is just really good at impressions and it's fun to make him say crazy things...as the infertility doctor.
5. I was never sick. Not once. I really didn't feel different (other than having breasts). The fetus was depressed it could not inflict more pain on the process.
6. I didn't even need it, and it's not even that cute, but I bought ONE maternity shirt from the Gap because it was on sale for $4. That's just ridiculous.
Ridiculous!
7. I selfishly began to mourn the loss of my body as I knew it forever thinking how hard it was going to be to not look like a whale for the rest of my life. I also imagined getting so heavy, my weak ankles actually broke under my weight. Broke right in half.
8. I accidentally ate real Cesar dressing probably 3 times before I read that it was a no-no. And not just a little...like it was mostly dressing and a little lettuce. That's why I like that salad so much! The fetus thought, "really? all that work and all that money, and you can't even keep up with the literature?!"
9. I secretly (not so secretly, anymore) fear that V and I will make an ugly child. The fetus can recognize shallow and selfish when it sees it...ain't nobody got time for that.
10. For a serious reason, and hopefully the actual reason, there was something chromosomally abnormal that kept the fetus from developing normally. If nature allowed abnormal chromosomal fetuses to continue to develop into life, we would have more of this:
...probably...
And no one wants that...
(Except TLC)
In no way is miscarriage funny. It is a loss, and it must be dealt with in whatever capacity...
This was just specific to me and how my twisted brain copes with tragic things..
It's all part of my process.
Healing your heart is a funny thing. One moment, you're going about your every day life and then something happens, usually something that ties you to something deeply nostalgic, and then you find yourself welling up and with a boulder in your throat.
I took Alex to see Annie...the new one. 1982 Annie was my favorite movie mostly because it's one of the only movies I ever watched as a child. I couldn't handle movies until I was a teenager (like 25) because of all the strong emotions they elicited in me. So if you ask me if I've ever seen, _______________, the answer is probably No.
We bought the Annie soundtrack to supplement Jayonce's empire. One moment, we're singing along to Tomorrow, the next I have to stop, because I am having trouble seeing the road through my tears and feel like I'll cry.
I remember when my Dad's mom died. It was about a month after and I asked him if he was okay one day while he was doing dishes (yes, mom...that happened...Dad doing dishes...). She was the first death in my life and I wasn't even close to her.
He told me that he would grieve for awhile, but it would happen in these small moments. Like on a drive to the store, or working in the yard, or washing the car, etc.
I thought that seemed weird at the time, but he's right. I understand it perfectly now.
Since his death, that has happened. These small moments, tied to nostalgia, completely catch you off guard and you have to completely stop whatever you're doing to give yourself some time to think it through and compose yourself again. The moments begin to space out over time and the intensity in which they steal you from the present begins to decrease. To me, that is what grieving is.
And now with new death, it begins again.
I probably should not publish this on the public internet, but I tend to make fun of things that are deeply sad. Kind of a "Fu-k you, sadness...you can't win."
So if you are ashamed for me, just put yourself on the list...
But now, this list...
Some Reasons Why My Fetus Chose to Leave
1. I started to have too frequent, vain thoughts about my new breasts...that missed their cue to develop in puberty. Seriously, it became a distraction to me.
2. We implanted two embryos and one didn't implant from the start. The other tried to stick it out, but after hearing our daily "day in the lives of" banter, it thought, "Oh God, I can't believe you left me...I can't do this alone...Peace..."
3. I made fun of Ted (the socially impaired embryologist) too many times before implantation day...after all, Ted is the actual person who made our embryos...literally he made them. They pledge allegiance to him first.
4. V and I make fun of our infertility doctor...in a loving way! V is just really good at impressions and it's fun to make him say crazy things...as the infertility doctor.
5. I was never sick. Not once. I really didn't feel different (other than having breasts). The fetus was depressed it could not inflict more pain on the process.
6. I didn't even need it, and it's not even that cute, but I bought ONE maternity shirt from the Gap because it was on sale for $4. That's just ridiculous.
Ridiculous!
7. I selfishly began to mourn the loss of my body as I knew it forever thinking how hard it was going to be to not look like a whale for the rest of my life. I also imagined getting so heavy, my weak ankles actually broke under my weight. Broke right in half.
8. I accidentally ate real Cesar dressing probably 3 times before I read that it was a no-no. And not just a little...like it was mostly dressing and a little lettuce. That's why I like that salad so much! The fetus thought, "really? all that work and all that money, and you can't even keep up with the literature?!"
9. I secretly (not so secretly, anymore) fear that V and I will make an ugly child. The fetus can recognize shallow and selfish when it sees it...ain't nobody got time for that.
10. For a serious reason, and hopefully the actual reason, there was something chromosomally abnormal that kept the fetus from developing normally. If nature allowed abnormal chromosomal fetuses to continue to develop into life, we would have more of this:
 |
| alex just hanging out with his chromosomally abnormal sibling |
...probably...
And no one wants that...
(Except TLC)
In no way is miscarriage funny. It is a loss, and it must be dealt with in whatever capacity...
This was just specific to me and how my twisted brain copes with tragic things..
It's all part of my process.
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