Vacancy
Originally written 8/30/15
Today I posted the most boring blog post ever. Seriously read it. While it's true my mind is blanker than usual, it is also more full than usual. I cannot stop thinking about our second miscarriage. I've yet to go back to the doctor, but something has to be wrong, right? (I mean, duh...something has always been wrong).
We are two for two with implantation resulting in pregnancy and then two for two the embryos doing an early peace out.
Luckily (?) This one ended early just a week after we found out we were pregnant again. And luckily (?) This time I was not as excited (still excited) because I was more terrified that it would end. And then it did. And in the best way possible...during school! Middle school! It was like I was 14 all over again and caught at school unprepared for my first period.
How perfect.
And more perfect, on the day it happened and I was scared but trying to hold on to hope, I had lunch with my new lunch buddies at school and the topic of the day was babies! How two of them LOVED being pregnant and how they would give anything to be now and how one of them has a sister who is currently a surrogate for a couple and the whole process of that. It was bizarre. I felt like I was in a fish tank on the table listening to their muffled voices, underwater, through the glass.
And most perfect, while I was trying to keep all of our reproduction fails a total separate part of my life from school, I had to tell admin something so I could come in late (so early in the year!) for doctor's appointments present and future. I had it all rehearsed. I was going to go talk to our only female administrator and be very vague but also earnest to convey that it was something serious, but not so serious as, like, terminal illness. Since that is very hard, I ended up crying and then trying to cry talk and apologizing for bringing this drama to work so early in the year and promised I would be at work because I am dedicated and they hired me for a reason and I want to prove to them I am capable and dependable and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, actually I don't want anyone to know anything at all...more crying, more crying, more crying.
It was ugly. I told her everything.
Psycho...
Another disappointing end.
Scene: The Realtor takes our third embryo into my uterus for a showing.
Realtor: And as you'll see here, there's been some work done over here on this wall. There's evidence but it looks much better than before!
Embryo: Well it seems nice, but there's something not so right about this place.
Realtor: Well why don't you stay a week or so and then I'll come back and check on you.
Embryo: Okay, sure yeah.
A little over a week later.
Realtor: So hey! How are you liking the new digs?
Embryo: *very ashen* I think I figured out what is so off about this place...
Realtor: *hoping it hasn't really figured it out* ???
Embryo: Did someone...die in here?
Realtor: *Silence
Embryo: I knew it! How creepy! I'm out.
And scene.
Today I posted the most boring blog post ever. Seriously read it. While it's true my mind is blanker than usual, it is also more full than usual. I cannot stop thinking about our second miscarriage. I've yet to go back to the doctor, but something has to be wrong, right? (I mean, duh...something has always been wrong).
We are two for two with implantation resulting in pregnancy and then two for two the embryos doing an early peace out.
Luckily (?) This one ended early just a week after we found out we were pregnant again. And luckily (?) This time I was not as excited (still excited) because I was more terrified that it would end. And then it did. And in the best way possible...during school! Middle school! It was like I was 14 all over again and caught at school unprepared for my first period.
How perfect.
And more perfect, on the day it happened and I was scared but trying to hold on to hope, I had lunch with my new lunch buddies at school and the topic of the day was babies! How two of them LOVED being pregnant and how they would give anything to be now and how one of them has a sister who is currently a surrogate for a couple and the whole process of that. It was bizarre. I felt like I was in a fish tank on the table listening to their muffled voices, underwater, through the glass.
And most perfect, while I was trying to keep all of our reproduction fails a total separate part of my life from school, I had to tell admin something so I could come in late (so early in the year!) for doctor's appointments present and future. I had it all rehearsed. I was going to go talk to our only female administrator and be very vague but also earnest to convey that it was something serious, but not so serious as, like, terminal illness. Since that is very hard, I ended up crying and then trying to cry talk and apologizing for bringing this drama to work so early in the year and promised I would be at work because I am dedicated and they hired me for a reason and I want to prove to them I am capable and dependable and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, actually I don't want anyone to know anything at all...more crying, more crying, more crying.
It was ugly. I told her everything.
Psycho...
Another disappointing end.
*************
Realtor: And as you'll see here, there's been some work done over here on this wall. There's evidence but it looks much better than before!
Embryo: Well it seems nice, but there's something not so right about this place.
Realtor: Well why don't you stay a week or so and then I'll come back and check on you.
Embryo: Okay, sure yeah.
A little over a week later.
Realtor: So hey! How are you liking the new digs?
Embryo: *very ashen* I think I figured out what is so off about this place...
Realtor: *hoping it hasn't really figured it out* ???
Embryo: Did someone...die in here?
Realtor: *Silence
Embryo: I knew it! How creepy! I'm out.
And scene.
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