Shhh...It's not a secret anymore...
Originally written July 2014
This was more of a blog post to myself...from myself...
When you're visiting the IVF doctor for the first time, nothing reminds you more of why you're there than receiving a vag...well, "invasive" sonogram and watching doc (who you just met 45 minutes ago...) give you a virtual tour of your very empty, fibroid infested uterus and cyst covered ovary on a mounted TV screen.
Is that TMI?
I thought so, too. I mean the first visit?! How offending! They waste no time.
(Not to mention, I thought it was all V that brought us to that office...even to the point where I was insulted that the doctors always assume it's a female's problem!)
Whatever your belief in God, things happen (or don't) when they're supposed to for a reason.
I believe we were supposed to adopt Alex first because chances of us wanting to go through all of that work would have probably diminished if we were busy raising other children. It took a lot of energy, time and money...all things that run out as soon as any child arrives.
So we did adopt first. And we were the last group of people to go pick up our child for that calendar year and before Korea changed their adoption law...again...making it even harder and more time consuming to bring a child home. We were able to get Alex at 19 months old which was definitely on the younger side of when Korean kids were coming home (not counting special needs children). It all worked out the most perfect way possible and we are so thankful now that Alex was shared with us.
But adopting a first child was not Plan A for us.
Some people are really good at reproducing...Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, all of those 16 and Pregnant chicks, my middle school students and everyone else who set out to make a baby and followed through with it.
Apparently, V and I are not those people.
I am not ashamed to discuss our infertility (anymore). It is a very lonely place to be and once you open up to one person (years later), this door opens to this entire other world full of couples who are in a similar situation or have been through similar experiences. It's deeply private, but there is a way to discuss/support it (and a way not to) that is not overly detailed and respectful.
To all women and couples who are struggling: you are not alone.
Maybe it will happen when you least expect it like everyone you confide in will lovingly tell you because it happened to their friend. Praying and keeping faith is absolutely necessary, but it won't take away all of your sadness and frustration. Be brave and walk confidently through whatever hoops you'll have to jump through physically, financially, and most of all, emotionally.
Appreciate every single good thing you have in your life and know that if you really want a child, you will have them one way or another...maybe just not how you planned.
Lean on your spouse and loved ones. Their support and empathy will be the extra you need to get through the hardest day.
And open your eyes to the world around you. You are beautiful, the world is beautiful, and finding this beauty will make you smile instead of shaking your fist at the sky and asking, "why us?!"
And the truth is, maybe it will happen for you and maybe it won't. The entire process is a set of complicated, "what if" situations and hurdles that don't end until you are holding a living baby in your arms...and even then...
If you're like us, you're so used to succeeding at the goals you set (humble brag). You went to school, you excelled at your careers, you bought your house and your two cars. You planned out most of what you have and are, and this is the curve ball to remind you...
You cannot control everything.
Acknowledge this and you are free.
This was more of a blog post to myself...from myself...
When you're visiting the IVF doctor for the first time, nothing reminds you more of why you're there than receiving a vag...well, "invasive" sonogram and watching doc (who you just met 45 minutes ago...) give you a virtual tour of your very empty, fibroid infested uterus and cyst covered ovary on a mounted TV screen.
Is that TMI?
I thought so, too. I mean the first visit?! How offending! They waste no time.
(Not to mention, I thought it was all V that brought us to that office...even to the point where I was insulted that the doctors always assume it's a female's problem!)
Whatever your belief in God, things happen (or don't) when they're supposed to for a reason.
I believe we were supposed to adopt Alex first because chances of us wanting to go through all of that work would have probably diminished if we were busy raising other children. It took a lot of energy, time and money...all things that run out as soon as any child arrives.
So we did adopt first. And we were the last group of people to go pick up our child for that calendar year and before Korea changed their adoption law...again...making it even harder and more time consuming to bring a child home. We were able to get Alex at 19 months old which was definitely on the younger side of when Korean kids were coming home (not counting special needs children). It all worked out the most perfect way possible and we are so thankful now that Alex was shared with us.
But adopting a first child was not Plan A for us.
Some people are really good at reproducing...Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, all of those 16 and Pregnant chicks, my middle school students and everyone else who set out to make a baby and followed through with it.
Apparently, V and I are not those people.
I am not ashamed to discuss our infertility (anymore). It is a very lonely place to be and once you open up to one person (years later), this door opens to this entire other world full of couples who are in a similar situation or have been through similar experiences. It's deeply private, but there is a way to discuss/support it (and a way not to) that is not overly detailed and respectful.
To all women and couples who are struggling: you are not alone.
Maybe it will happen when you least expect it like everyone you confide in will lovingly tell you because it happened to their friend. Praying and keeping faith is absolutely necessary, but it won't take away all of your sadness and frustration. Be brave and walk confidently through whatever hoops you'll have to jump through physically, financially, and most of all, emotionally.
Appreciate every single good thing you have in your life and know that if you really want a child, you will have them one way or another...maybe just not how you planned.
Lean on your spouse and loved ones. Their support and empathy will be the extra you need to get through the hardest day.
And open your eyes to the world around you. You are beautiful, the world is beautiful, and finding this beauty will make you smile instead of shaking your fist at the sky and asking, "why us?!"
And the truth is, maybe it will happen for you and maybe it won't. The entire process is a set of complicated, "what if" situations and hurdles that don't end until you are holding a living baby in your arms...and even then...
If you're like us, you're so used to succeeding at the goals you set (humble brag). You went to school, you excelled at your careers, you bought your house and your two cars. You planned out most of what you have and are, and this is the curve ball to remind you...
You cannot control everything.
Acknowledge this and you are free.
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