jennifer patel

I haven't had much to talk about aside from the routine, day-to-day business of running a household. I was hoping inspiration would come for a fresh Thanksgiving post by today but it didn't. This morning, as I stayed in bed snuggled up to a babbling, happy baby and later watched my oldest ask my sister to snap green beans with him (what he thinks of as a tradition since he was 4) knowing that she feels excluded much of the time, my heart continues to be full. The day-to-day, often uneventful, moments each day brings allows me to savor these heartfelt spaces of time and store them away in a place I can visit when the world rears all the ugly. Every day, I am so  beyond thankful.

his face says it all: mom, you got skillz I've only gone Total Indian wife (TIW) a handful of times in my marriage. One especially hilarious time was when I threw 2017 to the wind and rewound to the year 1950. One of V's students missed the team dinner but still wanted some brown nosing time for his letter of rec from V. Looking back, I think he missed that dinner on purpose. The consolation was getting to come to our house and eat dinner ALONE with Dr. V. I went TIW and fed Alex early, put him to bed and cooked an authentic (Aarti Party) Indian meal for both the student and Vivek AND served them at the nice table. No plastic. Serving men at a table and not joining them might make them think you have no ambitions or talents of your own. You might think the student is full of bullshit as he kisses so much ass, you feel your eyes are going to roll out of your skull every time you walk back into the kitchen. The best part of that evening was that he talked nonstop about ...

V: Are we going to throw Z a Korean 100 Days party? Me: Sure! Let's do it! We counted it out and realized it was in 5 days. Both of us: Nope, no party for Z. Story of our lives. * * * I wish I could tell you, in detail, some of the challenges I've struggled with these first 100 days. I certainly don't want to boast or brag about what an easy time things have been. There are challenges, sure. But at the end of every day, the feeling of overwhelming adoration and captivation overshadow and erase any frustration I might have felt earlier. Looking at that baby and knowing that he is mine makes me feel sublimely happy. I find myself trying to find some kind of annoyance to talk about when people ask how we're doing with the baby. I do this because I feel like this is what is expected. I feel like if I just start gushing about this lovefest I'm living and have felt since they put him in my arms, I am some sort of deviant. Not normal. No one wants to know...

I get to write about my second baby's 100 days and my first baby's forever day around the same time. After writing Z's 100 Days post, I re-read Alex's first 100 Days (with us) post. I felt heartsick that they were the exact opposite experiences. It's not surprising I had a really hard time when Alex got here. I thought the challenges of parenting a new toddler would be immense, but quickly rewarding. What actually happened was Alex got here, through no choice of his own, completely foreign to everything and everyone. He was alone with everything familiar to him gone. Instantly. A 19 month old cannot prepare for goodbyes. He cannot know to cherish the time he has left with the only family he has ever known before he is taken from them. You cannot explain to him what is happening and why. Once forever homed, Alex didn't seem to care if we were there, or not, for months. We cared for him and he relied on us for the basic necessities, but every time he looked...

In his previous life before us, Alex slept on a mat on the floor with his foster mom in Korea. Since I had time to read a plethora of books before we went to get him, I decided that we were not going to start any habits that would need to be changed later. As a result Alex slept in his own bed, in his own room from the very beginning. I had grand plans to do the same for baby Z. Since I'm not breastfeeding, I was going to have him sleep in his crib from day one. But... Then we brought him home and I realized that he was going to be upstairs and I was going to have to walk upstairs multiple times a night. I consider myself in shape, but nothing winds me faster than walking up one flight of stairs when I'm tired. (or always, actually) The next plan was to have him sleep in the Pack'N Play in our room. Baby Z nixed that plan pretty fast as he would not sleep in there... We had a baby box...he nixed that too. It turns out he wanted to only sleep in the Rock thi...

One morning I woke up at 6:30 A.M. I brushed my teeth, put in my eyes, let the dog out, watered the plants, woke Alex up for camp, got Z up, changed and dressed Z, poured milk for Alex to put in his cereal, heated up a bottle and started feeding Z by 7:45. Alex sauntered downstairs around 8:15, poured his cereal, added the milk I poured and ate. Cereal is only one part of his breakfast. The hot portion of breakfast consists of a waffle (frozen from a box...gasp!) and an egg. As I was feeding Z and Alex finished his cereal, he looked across the table and said, "I'm waiting for the rest of my breakfast." I stared at him for a long time, going through the options of what to say and how to say it. Finally I let him know that it was probably time for him to learn how to make his own breakfast...all of it. With careful supervision (a.k.a. major micromanaging) he has been cooking his own breakfast for about a week now. Obviously things started out rough as seen above...

Months ago, Alex and a friend were playing upstairs one afternoon when I heard Alex say, "My Mom say we can't take toys downstairs..." Yes, we once had firm expectations in this house. The no toys downstairs was something I read about in a magazine article about not letting your kids take over your spaces...maybe Martha? Sure, V and I are sleeping less with a new baby in the house. It's not as bad as everyone, dramatically, forewarned us about, but it is, slowly, making us (me) dumber. Maybe more unaware? I'm patiently waiting for the things I think I can get done in a day to unite with the actual number of things I can get done in a day, once again. Old Expectation: No toys downstairs New Reality: Old Expectation: Start the day with a fruit and veggie smoothie! New Reality: No more smoothies! It takes way to long to make and I started doing dumb things like this! Do you know what else takes a really long time? Pre-washing produce after a grocer...

How many things should be taken out of this Pack 'N Play to eliminate the risk of SIDS?

Originally written 3/19/17 After mild panic attacks that we are starting too late to think about actually caring for a newborn, we decided to start on easy things like paint and bedding...you know, the really important things. Forget that we have not read one book or taken a class. The adoption agency made us read at least 12 books between us for Alex; No one is making us read anything or sign up for anything in preparation for this baby. I stopped by Pottery Barn Kids today to pick up a quilt for baby boy. You can totally cover a newborn with a really warm quilt while he sleeps at night, right? I mean I know you can't with some cheap quilt, but a fine, overpriced quilt from Pottery Barn Kids? It's fine, right? I was approached by a sales lady and she asked if she could help me. I told her that the baby's room is a Navy Blue theme. She looked at me, trying to assess my mental capacity. I explained...you know...like, there will be some cute baby things in i...

Originally written October 2016 We hired a gestational carrier. She is one of the sweetest women I have ever met and has three beautiful children of her own. She also carried twins for a couple before us. She is textbook selfless and has agreed to try and do the job that I can't: carry our son to birth. It would be a total lie to tell you that I gracefully and thankfully walked into this new journey. After the last miscarriage, I went into a dark place...as dark was when I lost my Dad. All I wanted to do was work out, eat carbs, work on odd/random jobs around the house, and travel...far, far away to beautiful places that made me forget everything and everyone. I didn't want to talk to or hang out with any of my friends. I quit social media for months (and you know I love social media more than most people), blaming the political sh-t storm. I made sure that every bit of energy I had went into making Alex's life normal and happy. If he was getting every bit of good en...

Dearest GC, There will never be a way for me to tell you how thankful I am for you in a way that you could completely understand (especially trying now, in my sleep deficient state). For most of the process, I was cynical, distant and trying at all costs to protect my broken spirit from being broken even more. As much as I fought it, I eventually needed to rely on your calm, patient and faithful demeanor. You just knew things would work out and if you were ever worried, you never showed it. That long stretch of time where we had to wait between visiting the specialist and getting the fetal MRI brought the most fear I've ever felt. You were so reassuring and I believed you, for lack of, literally, being able to do anything else at that point. And you were right. Everything was fine. You lovingly nurtured and cared for our son before we could ever be in that mindset. He knew your voice immediately. I believe we share a mutual understanding of how beautiful and difficult ...

Originally written 5/9/16 Whenever I go to 24 Hour Fitness, I always wash my hands before I leave because 24 is disgusting. Every time I walk into the women's locker room, there is a favorable chance that I will walk in on a middle-aged woman, buck naked walking around. Really? Yes. Just walking around. And it's a different woman every time. It happens 9 out of 10 times. I used to just try and avert my eyes, but now that I am used to it, I get kind of annoyed. Where are you going?! Nowhere. Just walking around aimlessly. There is an area off the main entrance...go be naked there, please. Just like the annoyance of expecting to see a naked woman in the locker room, I have come to expect unfavorable news and outcomes in our IVF journey. We are at our two year anniversary with our doctor and the only thing our time and money has accomplished is funding his child's future college tuition. We are on the fail train, hard. When I went in for our fourth embryo transfer this ...

Originally written 1/8/16 I quit my job again. It was a really tough decision. Dr. G suggested that while he couldn't guarantee removing things from my plate would result in a live birth, he said it definitely wouldn't hurt. It could be one more check off the list of things tried. I thought about how much fun I was having at the regular school and while the work was a lot, it was mostly the result of increased volume. I'm a seasoned teacher, just not used to 110 students. I thought about the friends I was making and how cool everyone was and how I wanted to eventually VIP that mother up... haha maybe...probably not. But that's it...I realized at the regular school how many great teachers I was surrounded by and how I wanted to be as good as they were. I wasn't resting on any laurels (not even my VIP status at my former school) and wanted to rise to their level. I was challenged again. The feeling of accomplishing and establishing amazing stude...

Originally written 8/30/15 Today I posted the most boring blog post ever . Seriously read it. While it's true my mind is blanker than usual, it is also more full than usual. I cannot stop thinking about our second miscarriage. I've yet to go back to the doctor, but something has to be wrong, right? (I mean, duh...something has always been wrong). We are two for two with implantation resulting in pregnancy and then two for two the embryos doing an early peace out. Luckily (?) This one ended early just a week after we found out we were pregnant again. And luckily (?) This time I was not as excited (still excited) because I was more terrified that it would end. And then it did. And in the best way possible...during school! Middle school! It was like I was 14 all over again and caught at school unprepared for my first period. How perfect. And more perfect, on the day it happened and I was scared but trying to hold on to hope, I had lunch with my new lunch buddies at school ...

Originally written August 10,2015 As of today: Breakfast: Strawberry-mango smoothie Favorite song currently on my work out playlist: Chumbawamba's  Tubthumping lbs off my goal weight: 10, like always (I wrote "blissfully unaware" when I had to fill in the weight section on this morning's paperwork) Favorite color: still blue Anxiety about the first day of school on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the worst): 9.5 # of shots of progesterone in the butt this month: 6 (it's only been a week) Implantation tries: #2 today # Embryos used: #3 today You know those people you hear of who get hooked on drugs and spiral out of control? I think I know how it happens. When I went back this past June to the doctor to try again another implantation, I was given the unfortunate news that I would have to have surgery AGAIN! This would be my 4th time in the past year and a half to go under. I was thinking...no surprise. Of course this is happening. Then I thought, hm...

Originally Written 4/22/15 One of our friend's husband is an infertility doctor. She posted this picture yesterday: Pretty funny. Mostly because people going through infertility do not want you to be aware of anything. So infertility awareness week is recognizing that you should be aware of someone's silent struggle who you might or might not know and not make any insensitive comments about how you hate being pregnant or your accidental 5th pregnancy, or love on your baby too much, or talk about your chapped, cracked, and bleeding nipples. (That's really a TMI every week) And please don't post a fake pregnancy announcement as an April Fool's Joke. You will get crucified. The truth is that being infertile is hard. But so are a lot of things. Being pregnant and raising babies is hard. Being single and getting asked when you will settle down sounds miserable. As long as we are kind and supportive to everyone, we are all winning. Coping skills are a must and ...

Originally written 1/15/15 Healing your heart is a funny thing. One moment, you're going about your every day life and then something happens, usually something that ties you to something deeply nostalgic, and then you find yourself welling up and with a boulder in your throat. I took Alex to see Annie ...the new one. 1982 Annie was my favorite movie mostly because it's one of the only movies I ever watched as a child. I couldn't handle movies until I was a teenager (like 25) because of all the strong emotions they elicited in me. So if you ask me if I've ever seen, _______________, the answer is probably No. We bought the Annie soundtrack to supplement Jayonce's empire. One moment, we're singing along to Tomorrow , the next I have to stop, because I am having trouble seeing the road through my tears and feel like I'll cry. I remember when my Dad's mom died. It was about a month after and I asked him if he was okay one day while he was doing dis...

Originally Written 12/30/14 Sometime between getting out of school for the break and going to my 11 week appointment yesterday, my pregnancy ceased to exist. It's right in the time frame when things like that happen. Many people I know have had miscarriages. Many people have struggled worse than us to bring life into this world. I know it's [probably] nothing I did, and it's hard to explain how it affected (is affecting) me. My hope is not completely gone. Of course I am disappointed. I spoke earlier (maybe...who knows what order these will be posted) of having this wish to be pregnant. That's what it has seemed like, anyway...after trying for a year, pregnancy became this elusive wish that might or might not be granted. By year 5, it really, really seems unattainable...like a Ranger World Series win. And all that work we did...with the surgeries and the medicine and the injections...(bring on diabetes, I'm ready) and how it didn't pan out. That's dis...

Originally written 11/17/1 4 I love watching the podium ceremonies of the Olympics. No matter what country wins, my favorite part is watching the face of the gold medal winner as their country's anthem is played...as they tear up thinking about the years of hard work and road blocks and injuries they overcame to win...how all that pain, sacrifice, and pushing past days they wanted to quit all paid off in the end...and they think of all their loved ones, teammates and coaches who supported and cheered them on along the way...  truth. I can't say I've ever trained for the Olympics, but I've compared this whole infertility journey to a seemingly never ending race of hurdles. Some hurdles are bigger than others, but rest assured, as soon as you jump over one, there's another waiting for you in the distance and you can't control how fast you get there...or if you clear the hurdle. It is hard to see the end and it's terrifying to think that you migh...

Originally written 11/8/14 I've been really nervous in the days leading up to our scheduled implantation date. Conditions are not perfect like everyone wanted them to be, and I had to work on bringing to my consciousness the awareness that all this work we've been doing for years and the more intensive work that's been happening since June might result in nothing. As V corrected me, "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst"... I tend to hope for the best, but expect the worst. In my mind, that way I'm never disappointed, but of course, I am. The school week went. by. so. slowly. and. I. could. not. concentrate. on. anything. Perhaps because I was so serious this week, that was the reason why today's appointment was just ridiculous...or perhaps the drugs I was on... One time, my brother and I attended the funeral of a family member we didn't know. I was 11ish and he was 8? It's serious. Our family is sad. They're crying. But then th...

Originally written 9/28/14 (thematic music) I feel like this is over sharing, but I was told this morning during an ultrasound that my ovaries are now 4x bigger than their normal size. As I was looking up on the screen, they looked like film reels with circles the size of salad plates.  This is what a sea turtle waiting to lay eggs feels like. "Responding nicely to drugs" was written in my chart. 10 days = 25 shots in the lower abdomen. I am running out of room. Ha, not really. There is plenty of surface area on my belly these days! Too late to turn back now...  "Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots!"

Originally written June/July 2014 It turns out that my side of our fertility goals could easily be enhanced with a couple of simple surgeries. "It's just an easy laparoscopic surgery through your belly button..." he said. (still on our first meeting) Okay. Ignorance is not a great thing, generally speaking. But. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to what things will really be like in a medical sense...and really, really in an IVF journey sense... I was completely unprepared to be moving so fast on appointment number one. I had big plans for summer. We were going to swim and vacation and have fun, city [indoor] adventures. I was also going to take full advantage of my last summer of available childcare (me time, me time, me time, me time!). I guess fertility doctors assume that by the time you finally seek their care and guidance, you are ready to be pregnant, like, tomorrow. He sat down on day one, laid out the entire process from start to finish, identified the f...

Originally written July 2014 This was more of a blog post to myself...from myself... When you're visiting the IVF doctor for the first time, nothing reminds you more of why you're there than receiving a vag...well, "invasive" sonogram and watching doc (who you just met 45 minutes ago...) give you a virtual tour of your very empty, fibroid infested uterus and cyst covered ovary on a mounted TV screen.  Is that TMI? I thought so, too. I mean the first visit?!  How offending! They waste no time. (Not to mention, I thought it was all V that brought us to that office...even to the point where I was insulted that the doctors always assume it's a female's problem!) Whatever your belief in God, things happen (or don't) when they're supposed to for a reason. I believe we were supposed to adopt Alex first because chances of us wanting to go through all of that work would have probably diminished if we were busy raising other children. It took a lot of ...

It's been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. Titanic was... Wait, sorry. Wrong post. It's National Infertility Awareness Week , 2017. I have spent over 2 years drafting about a dozen posts that started out as just for me. Well, actually V and me.  No Fifty Shades of anything...not even close. Don't worry. I guess if I had been courageous enough, I would have posted them as they happened because as you read them you must realize they were written in the present time they happened and the emotion is real for that point in time. That is how I deal with most things...I want to write them down. Always have. I still have my journal from high school/college. But I didn't post them. I needed to deal with that realm of my life and approach some kind of closure before sharing. It's hard to deal with something emotional, publicly (said the celebrities I read about in my trash maga...